Oh My Word!

Shattered Dreams

I am reading the book Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb. Actually, I am reading it and re-reading it at the same time. It has been such a profound book for me and "where I'm at" that I find that I can't read it like a typical book. I have read each chapter at least 3 times, and I am only on Chapter 8.Basically, the book is based on the idea that

       "Shattered dreams are never random. They are always a piece in a larger puzzle, a chapter in a larger story. The Holy Spirit uses the pain of shattered dreams to help us discover our desire for God, to help us begin dreaming the highest dream. They are ordained opportunities for the Spirit first to awaken, then to satisfy our highest dream."

Chapter One is titled, "My Problem With God." I knew that I was going to find this book enlightening just by that title. You see, 2009 has been a year where I have had my fair share of "problems with God." Call me a brat (and it's OK if you do...nicely please...because I have called myself one recently) - so call me a brat, but I've really been fed up with God because I simply haven't been getting my way.

Wow. Talk about cold reality.

When I finally came to terms with what I've really been struggling with over the past 12 months, it hit me like a fist in the face.

I haven't been getting my way. And I've been bitter about it.

You see, in my worldly opinion there's nothing wrong with My Way. I want healthy children. Seems fair to ask for; fair to receive. I want a different, nicer, bigger house. Seems fair to ask for; everyone else I know has one.

God has not granted me either of my requests. Ella Beth still gets sick too often with no medical explanations, and we are still crammed in our split foyer, carrying groceries upstairs from the garage, little bitty house.

And I've been bitter.

As Crabb asks, "How do we trust a sometimes disappointing, seemingly fickle God who fails to do for us what good friends, if they could, would do?"

And then he answers.

"The problem sincere Christians have with God often comes down to a wrong understanding of what this life is meant to provide. We naturally and wrongly assume we're here to experience something God has never promised...Both good hopes and best hopes are guaranteed in heaven. But fulfillment of the best hopes is not yet promised in this life."

The highest dream we can ever experience is being in the presence of God. We will not suffer in heaven. Every imaginable dream will come true.

But this life is not meant to provide the fulfillment of the highest dream. This life is meant to "stir an appetite for a higher purpose -- the better hope of knowing God well enough to love Him above everything else...and trusting Him no matter what happens." Trusting Him above our shattered dreams.

Trusting God above our shattered dreams.

Trusting God when we don't get our way.

Trusting God even when He seems so distant we wonder if He even cares.

It's hard.

For me, I have wrongly equated God blessing me with God loving me. If God gives me what I want, He must love me. If God refuses to grant my requests, He must be with-holding His love from me.

But, I couldn't be more wrong.

It's hard to even type this - but having healthy children (specifically Ella Beth, my 3-year old daughter) is just a Good Dream. It's not the Best Dream.

A nicer house is just a good dream.

God doesn't want me to settle for Good when He can provide what's Best.

Shattered dreams open the door to this Best Dream, a dream that we do not properly understand until those "good dreams" are destroyed.

My good dreams have been destroyed. Over and over again. Two separate contracts on our house falling through. Ella Beth hospitalized, re-hospitalized, relapsing, and still having no medical conclusion.

Destruction of dreams is painful. It has been tear-wrenching, fist-waving, fightin' word screaming, door shutting slamming (me, not God) - hard.

But this suffering still has a purpose. It's been long; it's been hard; it's been trying and frustrating. But is has also been bringing me to the place where I no longer want to settle.

I no longer want to demand what's good.

I am beginning to desire what's best.

Crabb envisions Jesus speaking to us in the Garden of Gethsemane saying,

        "Some of your fondest dreams will shatter, and you will be tempted to lose hope. I will seem to you callous or, worse, weak -- unresponsive to your pain. You will wonder if I cannot do anything or simply will not. I will seem to withdraw from you and do nothing. BUT, a plan is unfolding that you can not clearly see. If you could see it as I do, you would still hurt [shattered dreams], but you would not lose hope. You would gladly remain faithful to me in the middle of the worst suffering."

Why?

Because we have hope of the BEST that is to come.

Is More really More? Or is Less More?

The question of What's more - More? or Less? has really been on my heart lately.

I find myself wanting to be involved in everything so that I'm not missing out on anything. Admittedly, I am on Facebook too often, was on Twitter too often, and am also addicted to my friends' blogs.

In the last two months all of the time I have been "investing" in everything else has started to weigh on my heart. Earlier this week I spent almost 2 hours on Facebook - chatting with old friends, looking through photo albums, creating new photo albums on my own account, catching up on what my friends (and acquaintances) are up to. I honestly felt as though I deserved that "down time" in my day because I had not had much time to myself lately. But at the end of those 2 hours, I felt a conviction in my heart.

It's like I heard God saying to me, "Those last two hours could have been spent with Me."

Talk about causing me to pause.

So what do I do with that conviction? My first reaction was to immediately delete my Facebook account. But, I didn't. Not yet, at least. I'm still praying about that.

You see, I have been able to reconnect with people on FB and through blogs - some of whom I have had the opportunity to encourage and uplift, and many of whom I have been encouraged by. I don't know what to do with that. I'm not into having a ba-zillion "friends" on FB or blog lists, so my goal is not to simply be popular. (I "ignore" friend requests often simply b/c I'm not into letting just any old acquaintance see all my business - and photos of my kiddos.) But I do enjoy connecting with old and new friends, and I have honestly seen how God can use social media as a tool for Him.

I think, for me, it's where my priorities are. Why do I "invest" so much time in small things and not truly invest in big things?

I have made a list of values. It's short, as it should be:

            *Invest in my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

            *Invest in my relationship with Scott.

            *Invest in my relationships with Ella Beth and Landon.

            *Intentionally spend time with God, Scott, Ella Beth, Landon, and close family and friends so that I can be built up with encouragement and be used by God to further His Kingdom.

Hmmm...doesn't seem like FB and other fore mentioned distractions fit in with my values too well.

I feel that I have been making some progress. In the last month, I have made a rule for myself that when I am spending time with my kiddos the computer stays OFF. For me, the internet is like this massive black hole that sucks me in and distracts me.

And, I don't want to be distracted.

I have such fleeting time with Ella Beth (who is already closing in on 3 1/2) and Landon (who is almost 2). Why do I want to be distracted from that? Why do I want to waste what precious time I have with them?

Like I said, I don't.

I've really decided to start blogging more intentionally, from my heart (when my kiddos are asleep!). And I'm going to be spending less time on Facebook. Hopefully, my true friends will still know where to find me and send their encouragement. :)

So...my answer to the question "What's more - More? or Less?"

For me, it's what defines More/Less.

If it's More time being intentionally devoted to my values - then the answer is More.

If it's Less time being distracted and pulled away from where my heart is truly led - to the cross of my Savior - then the answer is Less.

--

What's your answer?

Howdy, Hi, and Hello!

Yes, I am still here! I've had a couple good excuses for my lack of blogging lately:

1) Ella Beth got the Swine Flu. She was down for the count for two l-o-n-g weeks. Bless her heart, she was super sick and very miserable. The flu (like everything else) hit her in her gut. She was throwing up for hours on end for four straight days; then on the potty; then both at the same time. Oh My Word. Let's just say that there is NO WORD for that! At first, we were a little panicky thinking that it was going to be a repeat of March. Luckily, it was "just" H1N1. Believe me, you don't want it.

2) Scott left me and kiddos for a week and went hunting in Illinois. Thankfully, Ella Beth was already on the mend.

Needless to say, I had not a spare moment in my day. The entire week that Scott was gone, I didn't even get on my computer at home. In the evenings when the kiddos went to bed -- so did I.

Oh...did I mention that when Scott is out of town Landon REFUSES to sleep? Oh yeah...that's one small detail! For who knows what reason, the boy will not go down at night for me when Scott's not at home. It honestly took me an hour each night to put him down, and then he was up an hour later. He slept in the bed with me after two nights of getting up with him every 45 minutes. I was beyond exhausted. Thankfully, he is sleeping just fine - in his own bed - now that Scott is home. Crazy boy.

--

Before all of the aforementioned drama...I took pictures of the kiddos for our Christmas cards. Which I have addressed and ready to send out on Friday morning. :o)

I won't share the photos from the cards, but how about some that...well, didn't quite make the cut???

Not this one.

Nope, not this one.

Nope, nope. Not this one either.

And, definitely not this one.  Ahem, Ella Beth I said to HUG your brother!

--

Happy Thanksgiving!

BOO! to you

Halloween was fantastic this year. Ella Beth was SO EXCITED that it made me eagerly anticipate trick-or-treating. I can only imagine what Christmas will be like!!!

--

One nice family shot with our Puppy Dog and Ballerina. :)

 

Scott and Ella Beth roasting marshmallows. Scott was eating this moment up!

 

A shot of all the kiddos right before the candy-fest began. It's tough work getting a shot like this. ;)

 

Ella Beth was Miss-Independent. I had to r-u-n to keep up with her; the excitement that she had was my favorite part of the night.

 

Once again, we were asked multiple times if Ella Beth and Landon are twins. It's getting much harder to convince people...

 

 

We had so much fun. The kiddos tuckered out pretty quickly (hence the wagon ride!), but they thoroughly enjoyed themselves as much as the big kids!

For the record...

...in case anyone got the idea that we are always healthy in our house...

I took the kiddos to Wendy's tonight for supper. Since Ella Beth is allergic to oranges, we simply had to get french fries to accompany her chicken nuggets. And Landon's.

No, he's not allergic to oranges.

:)

Twenty

I did this post at Ella Beth's 20-month mark here. Today, this one is just for Landon.

--

Twenty is...

1. ...how many "months old" Landon is.

 

2. ...how many times a day he asks for his Mama to pick him up. (Which I do, and love, every time.)

3. ...how many kisses he gives this Mama - sometimes I have to ask; sometimes I don't. :)

4. ...the number of times he hugs doggie.

5. ...how many times he asks to go outside on any given day.

6. ...how long it takes him to eat breakfast each morning.

7. ...how many times a day he asks for Ella Beth.

8. ...how many times a day he can give me "those eyes" - and I fall for them every time.

 

9. ...the number of times he cleans each day. (He's a little OCD like his Mama!)

10. ...how many times each day I just want to scoop him up and get as much neck sugar as I can!

11. ...the number of times each day that I realize my baby is growing up way too fast.

12. ...the number of ways he is just like his sister.

13. ...the number of ways he is just the opposite of his sister.

14. ...how many times he will say "Amen!" during grace, before we actually finish the prayer.

15. ...the number of things he points out wherever we go because he's seen something new.

16. ...at least the number of times Landon makes me laugh each day!

17. ...the length of time his bath takes at night.

18. ...how many times a day he chases after Shortcake.

19. ...how many times a day he wants to "switch" between Mommy and Daddy.

20. ...just a fraction of how much I love my sweet, cuddly, serious, and fun little fella.

HE MELTS MY HEART.

A first in our house

So, most everyone knows that us Castleberrys are pretty "healthy" when it comes to eating. We go light on the fried foods, light on processed foods, null on hydrogenated oils, enjoy our fresh-from-the-garden fruits and vegetables as often as possible.

But, recently we, ahem, let ourselves go a little crazy. ;)

Scott brought home a 1/2 dozen DONUTS! Thankfully, Scott's parents were at our house and there was only one donut per person...otherwise, Scott and I would have had to eat more than one!

And these weren't just any donuts, mind you. No, these were Halloween donuts - fresh from Krispy Kreme. 

I don't know who was more excited...the kids for getting to inhale fried sugar deliciousness - or Scott's parents for us finally allowing our kiddos something unhealthy and indulgent. ;)

I can admit that they were quite tasty. My mouth is watering just looking at these pictures. But...I tend to lack self-control. Which is why we don't bring treats like these into our house very often!

Do you think our kiddos enjoyed themselves?!?!

Now, if we could only allow the grandparents to take Ella Beth and Landon to McDonalds...FAT CHANCE!!!

Healthy eating to you!

Hello, Fall!!!

Fall is my most favorite season of the year! I love the crispness in the air, the changing colors of the leaves, and all of the fun activities that we get to enjoy as a family! One of our traditions is to go up to Burt's Pumpkin Farm each October. (We never buy anything there, except for hayride tickets, but it's nice to escape to the mountains for a day!)

We always have a picnic!

Ella Beth and Landon always ride in a wheelbarrow!

Landon was just amazed at the size of the BIG pumpkins!

Ella Beth had fun leading Landon around and showing him everything!

Photo op! (Not great lighting, but nice background.)

 

Landon's favorite thing to do was squeeze between the big pumpkins. He only got truly stuck once!

As you can clearly see, we always follow the rules at the pumpkin farm. ;)

Ella Beth showing off one of her favorite finds.

On to the hayride! This is how Ella Beth sat for the first half of the hayride. She remembered that there were "talking pumpkins" and that she "didn't like it when they talked." Once we passed them, she was fine.

Landon, on the other hand, was completely fascinated by the entire ride. He didn't want to miss a single second!

I love this last shot I got right before we left the farm. Landon was just into everything. I love his curiosity and interest in everything around him.

 

It was a great day! Looking forward to next year already. :)

Struggling

I am an honest person, so I can admit when I am struggling.

That would be now.

Often.

Daily.

More often than daily. That would be 20 times a day. At the least.

I am struggling in my patience with Ella Beth. Lately, everything is a battle with her.

everything.

We are reading an ABC book of Bible verses together (when she will cooperate long enough to get through one letter).

For "A" the verse is: "A soft answer turns away wrath." Proverbs 15:1.

That verse is for ME. I am the one who needs the soft answer.

I am the one struggling not to lose my mind (i.e. lose control over my tongue) when dealing with her behavior.

Scott and I have read one parenting/discipline book recently...but as much as we are applying the strategy, it's not helping to change Ella Beth's behavior.

I can totally see that many of the things she is doing is to get my attention. To combat that, I am trying to schedule 1:1 time with her. But what do I do the rest of the time? Times when she ignores me, or does exactly what I asked her not to do, or doesn't do what I asked her to do? Times when she is just down-right ugly in her tone or in how she treats others?

I never imagined that a 3 year old peanut could cause me such stress and frustration.

I know that there is no "fix" per-say, but can anyone suggest anything? A book? A technique? A specific prayer? (I keep praying that God will help me in the area of patience...however, He seems only content right now to test my patience. I'm losing my patience with that right now, too! Ahem.)

I am sure someone, or everyone, is going to say something like, "Just hang in there. It's a phase. It will pass." But seriously...I need someone to tell me something that's going to help get me through it! 

Shortcake

Shortcake came into our family by chance. Pebbles was dropped off at Scott's parents' house on July 15 (his mom's birthday). Shortcake and three other kittens were born on July 31.

Ella Beth and Landon fell in love at first sight. Shortcake was the runt of the litter, which made her even cuter to all of us.

We brought her home last week. She has had no lack of attention or hugs or kisses.

Aren't her whiskers just insanely white?!

We have actually started to worry a little whether Shortcake is able to walk on her own. But I think it's just because we rarely see her doing it.

And, I do mean rarely. ;)

But, Shortcake is a good great sport. I don't think she minds all the attention all that much.